i'm so scared the grief will never go away.
can i leave a piece of my heart on the coast with you?
3000 miles between my core and that piece of me that burns inside you. i can feel where it once was, my solace, my radiant love. that piece stays with you for now, i wish you could feel it.
not the ache in my own chest, but the soft fondness i kept for you. the songs i've written, the words i've shared, the loneliness dissapated
i know deep inside of myself that feeling- that fondness from afar will be my personal hell but more than anything, i want him to feel nothing but happiness.
i don't know if i could give him that.
i loved you, j. i'm so sorry.
i feel like i dont record thoughts as i actually have them, writing can be slow and rarely keeps up with the pace my brain is going.
today has been shit.
awful.
“sickening”.
i could cry again but i’m over it. why should i trust people? i know logically i have to, i have to make meaningful connections but i don’t know who’s insidious or not.
i lied.
i’m crying.
everything and everyone sucks!!!! big balls. whatever. what if i can focus on getting better. i want to. get stronger, learn- feel lovable.
god, it’s so pathetic but i want to feel worthy of something. i’m trying not to be hard on myself like aurora said i should but it’s so hard.
i feel worthless so often, daily. it’s like a mantra. a habit i need to replace. words that soothe me, bring me some kind of solace from the brain inside my head. people make existing so fucking hard.
i’ve always wondered if dying would finally help me feel at rest, peaceful enough to finally get some sleep. would i be okay with that? i want to experience what real life is like outside of this feeling. i want to meet him more than anything, feel him real flesh and bone here with me. breathing in the night air while his skin presses against mine. would i feel real then? could loving him will me into existence? he’s everything. the true sun to my stars, i guess. radiant.
i don’t want to be afraid forever.
my body is a machine made solely to keep my soul tethered to the ground.
how marvelous it must be to become one with the wind.
